"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

Saturday, July 30, 2011

New beginnings

You know, I'm really enjoying life right now. I have some amazing people in my life and things are just good. Little Dawson will be here any day now. I'm amazed by how much I love him already. It's funny how such a little person can hold one of he biggest places in your heart.
Spraggy leaves for UAB in two weeks. I can't believe the summer has been so short! I'm not ready for him to go by any means. All I can think about is how time is ticking and soon enough we'll be going to Birmingham and coming back without him. Nothing will be the same. No more late night ice cream runs, no more pore cleaning sessions. Skype will inevitably become my life line. It's so depressing.I wanna cry just thinking about it. Life goes on.
So this blog is about "New Beginnings." New lives, new adventures.
I can't talk about everything I mean by 'New beginnings' just yet. I tend to jinx things. I'm happy. that's what's important right?


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Life as we know it

I know everyone is just dying to know how my  life is going, right? Well, I actually think it's moving along rather nicely. I've come to terms with being tossed into the friend zone. I'm more okay with it than I thought that I would be. I now have an incredible best friend whom I wouldn't for the world. I've finally stopped having panic attacks about college and, you know, I'm happy. Well, as happy as an 18 year old girl can be.I never thought I'd get back to this point. The point where I'm content and just comfortable with the way life is flowing. I'll admit my life is an emotional roller coaster, but hey, it's to be expected when someone grows up in a house like mine.
Oh! I cannot forget to mention how close Tiffany is to having Dawson. She is now 39 weeks, and oh so ready for him to come on out. We all are. I'm just so excited to hold him and love him. I'm sure that he is going to be perfect!
Speaking of babies, Mom and I have decided its well past time to try to breed Gizzy. I'm so excited for this also. I've been wanting Gizzy to have puppies for a few years. I'm hoping for a small litter and black and white puppies. If and when they are ready we will give them away to good homes. Oh, boy! This is going to be such an exciting journey. When Gracie had her kittens I loved naming them, loving them, and protecting them. It was an amazing experience.
Ah, it feels good to get back into blogging. I kind of want to look into figuring out tumblr. We'll see how it goes!


Monday, July 25, 2011

Just a little rambling.

When I was a little girl, my sister and I would play outside and make mud pies, play silly games, and just be careless together. Back then, it was okay. Now that we're "all grown up" that's no longer the case. As bad as I want to be grown up and do things on my own, I can't deny there is a part of me that wishes that I had never grown up. I mean think about it. Who wants to get up everyday and go to work to pay bills?! NO ONE. Entering the adult life is a journey that isn't for the faint of hearts. Lets be real here, I'd much rather play in the dirt than go to college. Learning to ride a bike is a piece of cake compared to learning how to finance. Those are the facts. There are many moments that I would kill to go back and relive, or just do over completely, avoid even. But, I'm excited- for lack of a better word-  for the life ahead of me. I'm excited to show this world what I'm made of. Even if it means having to grow up well before I am ready. That's okay.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

I've officially hit rock bottom.

I don't know what it is that makes me this way. Maybe its just.. in my blood. At this moment it my life, I'm just.. depressed. My friends are all leaving for college or for the marines or something else bigger than this stupid ass little town. While they're out making something of themselves.. I'll be here, withering away to nothing. Because, let's just face it, that's what I am. Nothing. Something has triggered in my head. It makes me sick. I'm isolating myself and making everything worse, but I just can't help it. Why should my friends suffer on my behalf? It's not their fault that I'm crazy.  It's not my place to hold them back from being who they want and doing what they want. Just because I'm going to be stuck here doesn't mean that they have to be stuck with me. I've drug them down for too long and it's time to let go. I don't.. I don't want this anymore. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of pretending that everything is just fine when its not fine. I will not play happy anymore. I don't have to energy, nor the time to put into it. I'm gonna end up just like my mom.. just sitting here waiting for the clock to run out, because that's who I'm meant to be.
It's gotten to where I can't even convince people I'm happy, and okay with things when I REALLY AM  HAPPY. So, what's the use in trying? Maybe.. maybe I'll feel this way for a while. Maybe I'll feel totally normal, and wonder why I even posted this, but right now, at this moment.. I don't give a damn.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Hello, world.

Well, I finally did it. Graduated. The day I thought would never come has come and gone and, well I don't feel very different. I didn't cry for joy, or cry for the loss of life long friendships.. I didn't cry at all. I wasn't even sad. I was just ready to get home and get out of that damn dress.  Part of me is relieved that the hellacious days at the prison are no more, but part of me still doesn't believe it. I've grown so accustomed to the mold, and must of OHS that I'm not sure how I'll react to a new, clean school. I'm just excited to start the rest of my life.
 Now, being the wonderful girl with ADD that I am, I wanna talk about something else that been on my mind. To me, individuality is everything. "we were all born originals, Don't die a copy"
I just feel that sometimes I'm not just me. I fight to be my own person everyday, to stand out from the crowd and be different. Sometimes I feel like.. like I'm being copied; if that makes sense. Its one thing if you are inspired by someone, but a totally different thing if you repeat everything they do. It just makes you lose who you are! Everyone spends so much time trying to fit in, or be like someone that they eventually become just like everyone else. Copies. Being an individual is beautiful. I love seeing people who don't conform to society. They don't care. They do what they want because it makes them happy. They don't wear the latest fashions just because everyone else is, instead, they make their own style and stick with it.
I just.. I just wanna be me, and not them.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

"Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it"

Who defines what is beautiful? To me, a lot of different things are beautiful to me.
The beach at night time, or the country lands at dawn. The beginning of a new life, and that look of excitement in one's eye. Beauty is not something you have. It's something you are. Inside and out. Having a beautiful soul is.. amazing. No one ever stops to see beyond the cover of the book. It may not be pretty and attractive on the outside, but inside is a fantastic story just waiting to be to be told.
Being real is beautiful. Not that bleach blonde with the rub on tan and colored contacts. People who love themselves for who they are, are the most beautiful.
For so long I've been uncomfortable with the person that I am. I've always seen myself as 'that girl with the pretty face'. Like, people can't see past my exterior to see who I really am. The real me. This is a poem I read in 8th grade:
 Imperfect Me:
I used to try to be perfect
perfect hair
perfect date
the perfect makeup on my face
the perfect friend for all to see
I tried to be a perfect me.
I'm tall, and just a little plump
My nose has got a tiny bump
My teeth?- too big!
My ears?- too long!
the me I see is always wrong!
but then, my heart broke free.
Who I am is what I give
And if I give with all my might
the me I am will be just right.
So, here I am, Imperfect Me.

For that poem to be a silly little kid's poem, it's always meant a lot to me. I'm learning to accept myself. I know who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be. I am smart, I have goals, and I AM BEAUTIFUL. If someone can't see the beautiful me, then they don't deserve to have me in their lives, right?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Patience was never my thing..

As my last year as a high school student is coming to a close, I've been reflecting on these past 12 years. What a great 12 years it has been! I've grown, and learned and blossomed into to girl.. no, the woman I am today. It feels so incredible. This is the time of my life that I thought would never get here, and here it is, right around the corner. I just can't describe this feeling. I'm so excited and terrified at the same time. I'm leaving the only thing I have ever known. No more teachers asking for hall passes, no more parents writing me a check for lunch. No more of that OHS bulldog pride buzzing through the halls. I feel so free, yet so heartbroken. It's this amazingly awful feeling.  I just can't wait to see what becomes of me.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Que Sera, sera.

I seem to live for that saying these days. "What ever will be, will be." I tell myself that everyday. Some days are just so wonderful, other days.. well, not so much. I guess that's to me expected, right?
I'm the kind of person who is used to being in control, and having a goal and working hard to get it. Instant gratification. For the first time, things are way out of my hands, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. It's hard to just.. wait around not knowing what he feels, or what he's even thinking.  I honestly feel vulnerable for the first time in a really long time. I don't like it one bit. So much is going on in my life. This is the most important time of my life and I feel like I have absolutely no control over how it plays out. My anxiety has been going crazy, and I can just feel my heart getting tired from all of the weight that I've been putting on it lately.
This boy. There are so many things that I adore about him. The little things are what I love the most. Like how he knows me. He's recently started to be.. eh, I don't want to say protective.. He's been more concerned about my well-being then usual; Or he's voicing it more than usual. It just feels good knowing that he's cares. The one thing I absolutely without a doubt love about him is how I can look into his eyes, and see clear to his heart. "The eyes are the window to your soul" It speaks so true. I just... I can't find the words to describe what it is about him that makes me so.. happy, and I don't plan on searching for that reason because.. well cause we all need a little mystery in our lives.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's a love story.

Or, some screwed up version or some at least. You know? Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, boy just.. is  boy? Yeah, that kind. And you know something? I'm perfectly okay with moving slow, and letting things fall naturally. Que sera, sera, right? Last night was pretty hard. I had my mind so focused on him that I couldn't relax long enough to get sleepy. I closed my eyes, I saw him. I turned the tv off, I heard his voice in my head. I listened to music, and it was a stupid sappy love song that made me think about him. You see, I'm not this kinda girl. I don't get all googly eyed and junk when it come to boys. But, I don't know. With him I dont have to be perfect. Shoot, me and perfect dont even belong in the same book. ( oh and in case you didnt notice, im being lazy about punctuation and junk today. Sorry!) I dont want to jinx anything, so we'll see what happens.
Needless to say, its been a long day. But, I had to write a little bit. I always feel better after i write. even if it is about something pointless. oh, well.

Monday, April 25, 2011

i got lost in your brown eyes.

I've sat here staring at a blank screen for at least fifteen minutes now. So, I turned on the musical station on Pandora hoping it will help me think a little. So far, I've still got nothing.
I want so badly to to write something that is inspiring, or moving, or even something intellectual, but my brain refuses to come out of hibernation. I have spent most of the day cleaning or curled up in bed. The past few days I've just wanted to be alone. There are only a select few people that I really really wanna see, most of which I will see tomorrow at school. Others, well who knows?
I was listening to some old songs today. one song in particular made me think about one person. the lyrics are:

I'm so scared that
The way that I feel
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room
I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh
We used to hug
The way that old friends do
But now a smile and
A touch of your hand
Just make me come unglued
It's such a contradiction
Do I lie or tell the truth?
Is it fact or fiction
The way I feel for you?
It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay
Should I say it
Should I tell you
How I feel?
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated.

Just when I think
I'm under control
I think I finally got a grip
Another friend tells me that
My name is always
On your lips
They say I'm more
Than just a friend
They say I must be blind
Well I admit that
I've seen you watch me
From the corner of your eye
Oh it's so confusing
I wish you'd just confess
But think of what I'd be losing
If your answer wasn't yes

Repeat chorus

I hate it 'cause
I've waited so long
For someone like you
Should I say it
Should I tell you
How I feel?
Oh I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated
The last blog I posted.. in some ways I regret posting it, because I'm scared.. terrified, actually. However, in my first blog I promised to be completely honest. So, I won't delete it. I'm going to just take what ever happens. I don't know if mentioned persons have read the blog, but if and when they do, I'll deal with whatever happens. I'm a strong person. I'll take what I can get from him, because I do love him so very much. I'd rather have his friendship than to completely lose him. I'm not strong enough for that. But, I guess we'll see where this goes.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The worst thing a girl could ever do.

.. Is fall in love with her best friend. Especially when she knows she doesn't have even the slightest chance with him. It's wrong, and unrealistic. I've tried for months now to smother it to the very back of my mind. The last thing I want to do is ruin the amazing friendship that we have. I just hurts.. so bad.
Let me give you this back story before I tell you the main story. I have a best friend. She and I are totally in sync with each other. It's like we're on the same wave length and sometimes its even scary. She is beautiful, and smart, and caring and artsy. Everything a guy would want. A guy would be insane not to like her. There lies the problem. Because she is so beautiful and I'm so.. me, I feel like at times I am in constant competition for attention of our guy friends. We have never had a mutual guy friend that hasn't had a crush on her. Therefore, if I happen to like a guy who also knows her it usually ends up like this:
Me: Hey, wanna hang out sometime?
Guy: Sure, is your friend going to be there too?
Me: Sure, I guess she can be..
Guy: Great! Cause she's really pretty. Does she have a boyfriend?
BAM. There goes all hope.  I get all upset and just.. jealous. She's pretty much beating buys off with a stick, and I'm the friend they come to when they need someone to put in a good word and that's it. It just gets hard to handle at times. I just wonder why I'm not good enough. Like, obviously I'm just not pretty enough being as though she and I are literally just alike, so I know it isn't my personality.
Anyway, So I have this friend. He's one of my closet guy friends. A few months back he told me he liked her. At first I was totally happy, you know? He needs a nice girl, and it was all fine and dandy. The more he talked about her, the more I regretted ever introducing them. I was just jealous. The feelings for him just keep growing
Now, back to the point.
So, Last night was prom night. my best guy friend was my date, and my best girl friend (the one from the back story) was in our group with her date, another good friend. So, we get to prom and it was LAME. My date is a shy guy so we didn't dance much, and I didn't too much mind it. I did, however, mind him giving my friend more attention than me. We sat in some chairs outside the ball room and I just watched them shamelessly flirting. I was full of jealously and just ..pure rage. I mean, here I am at my senior prom feeling like.. a third wheel to my date and my best friend. I literally got up and walked out. Partly to see if he could follow me, and partly because I didn't want to watch them anymore. As I was walking out on the grass I tried to piece together what I was feeling. I was hurt, and I felt dumb for even thinking this time would be different. I felt embarrassed because I let my feelings for him just build up, and I was letting my feelings get the best of me. I was angry, and sad, and.. and  jealous. They both followed me out. She asked if I was okay, and of course I lied and said yes. I really wanted to just yell "No! I'm not okay! I'm in love with him and he likes you.. like always."  He's my best friend.. and I'm in love with him. When I took him home last night I hugged him tight, and it literally hurt to let him go. It took everything in me not to look him in the eye. He said goodnight and I told him I loved him and he said it back. Only difference is, I really do love him. It hurts like hell. I won't tell him. I refuse to do anything that might cause me to lose him, I won't. So, that's it, if you're still reading this, thank you. I had to get it out because It's all I can think about. I'm in love with my best friend. So, I'm gonna take a deep breath, and pack all these feelings back where they belong. Where no one can see them.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Goodbye doesn't always mean forever.

Lady or the Tiger.
Les Miserables S.E.
The Man Who Came to Dinner
Blithe Spirit
25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street S.E.

Am I forgetting any? It's quite possible. The past 4 years I have been surrounded by the most amazing people you could possibly imagine. I cannot even find the words to express my gratitude for these people. Saying goodbye to this, to them is probably one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I have never in my life worked so hard on anything. The Opelika High Theatre Society is my family. The Opelika Performing Arts Center is my home. I'm so sad that I have to just walk away from something that I've dedicated my entire being to for four years. It's  heart breaking. Those people and that theatre have been my escape from everything bad for so long that it literally hurts to be losing it. I do not know who or where I would be if it wasn't for them.
Revel Gholston is one of the most amazing men I will ever know. I could thank him a million times and I still would not be thanking him enough. He's not only my teacher, but he has become one of my close friends. He isn't always easy to deal with, but I deal with him anyway, just like he puts up with me. He's the only person who can convince me to stay at that school until 4 in the morning working. I love every minute of it.This all started in 8th grade when Kathryn Spain convinced me to sign up for theatre. I fell in love immediately. 10th grade Revel somehow sucked me into helping him Tech for Lady or the Tiger, and well,  the rest was history. I haven't left Revel's side since then. I'm always there when he needs me. Hell, I'm there when he doesn't need me. But now, He's going to have to train someone else to memorize his favorite drink and what he wants from BK. He'll have to teach someone else how to deal with some of the crazy people from Opelika Arts Association. As hard as it is, He'll have to say goodbye, and I'll have to say it back. I'm not ready for that moment yet. 
Baxter Burke is my partner. My right-hand man. Without him, I'd be lost. He and I are a team and I love him very much. I never thought that he and I would ever be so close, but here we are. Both crying because leaving each other is like.. drinking kool-aid without sugar. It's just wrong. I love you Bax.
Tracy Tidwell.. well, as much as he annoys me, I'll miss him too. He always has me laughing with his stupid jokes and his fart noises.
For EVERYONE that has been involved in OHTS, past and present, you are amazing. All of you are very dear to my heart. To whoever gets to take my place.. well.. good luck.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Why don't we try defying gravity?

Lately my head has just been so full of junk. I can't exactly put my finger on what is keeping my mind so occupied. I feel like I have so much to say, but I can't find the words to say it. Right now, I'm thinking about how dead originality is. Sometimes I feel like I can't take so much as a different step without ten people turning and taking the exact same step. It's just sad that people can't be themselves. I'm not the kind of girl who mimics what I see on TV and on the radio, no. I'm the girl that makes up words, and tries to invent new colors. I do the things I like. Not what everyone else likes.
Today in English we read the first three chapters of the King James Version of the Bible. We read about the creation of Heaven and Earth and my mind slowly drifted away and I began to wonder just how big outer space really is. I mean, I just can't imagine something going on for all eternity.  If you ask me, that's a really long time. I can barely take a 12 hour long bus ride, much less a spaceship ride forever.
Graduation is so close I can smell it. It smells like.. success. Things are finally coming together as far as 'life after high school' goes. I'm making plans and praying that they go accordingly. Lets just keep our fingers crossed.
In band we got new music for the spring concert. We got a piece called "Selections from Wicked", Which happens to be one of my favorite musicals. If you have never heard of it please look it up. Not the book, the musical. It's wonderful. As a matter of fact, I'm listening to a Wicked station on Pandora. I'm listening to "Defying Gravity". My favorite lines are:
"Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost. Well, If that's love, it comes at much to high a cost. I think I'll try defying gravity", And "Unlimited.. my future is unlimited."
Ah, it feels so good to get rid of some of the useless thoughts floating around in the ole' noodle. Sorry this is so rambly!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

So much to say, so little words.

It's been far too long since I've actually just sat and wrote for fun. Today is the last day of spring break, and let me tell you, this week has gone by FAST. It makes me all the more excited for summer. The weather is absolutely beautiful, and there is pollen in the air. It's definitely spring time. Fantastic!  I leave early Thursday morning to go to Nashville, TN, for the weekend. Next weekend is Sweeney Todd, then it's time to prepare for prom.
Oh, Prom.  Obviously, my date is Walter. Let me tell you somethings about Walter. He is.. quiet, and simple. He's that rugged country-boy type. He isn't into flashy cars or clothes. He's just so genuine. He's a great friend. I won't lie, I have battled with my own heart about him. About not letting myself think of him as more than a friend. Everything just come naturally with him, and it's easy with him. I just feel like.. We're so much better as friends. I've seen how relationships have absolutely ruin things. and I don't want to ruin us. Yesterday, I spent the day at his house, meeting his entire family for the first time. It was scary. He went to take a shower and I was left down stairs with his mom and sisters. Lucky for me, I have great people skills, and I managed to live through the night. I think his family actually likes me. His sisters invited me to hang out with them sometime. So, I think that's good.
I don't think I have ever been so excited for summer. The painfully hot weather, swimming, just freedom. I know when the 100 degree weather actually gets here I'll be begging for some cool air, but  I'm ready for the freedom. and to start working on my life as an adult. Which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. I just hope I can go to Birmingham. I'm honestly leaning toward Southern Union for a year, to save money up, then move to Birmingham. Either way, I have got to get out of this house ASAP. 
Ahh, thing are just moving along so quickly. It's so exciting! Summer time and real world, get ready, cause here I come!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans- John Lennon

I've recently become obsessed with The Beatles. I mean, I've always liked their music, but now I absolutely adore it! I had to do a project on how drugs influenced music in the 60's. Of course The Beatles came to mind immediately. So, I started listening to their music, researching lyrics,  and looking up small facts about each band member. I did the same for Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin.

Listening to The Beatles (which I am doing  right now) helps me focus. I just love it!
I got to thinking: if I could ever go back in time, I would probably choose to go back to the 20's or the 60's. Two carefree ages, you know, minus the whole Great Depression thing in 1929.
"The Roaring 20's" was all about the flappers, and the speak easys. Times were good.
The 60's was all about experimenting. It was "the feel good" age.  Meaning if it felt good, do it. I promise I don't do drugs. To me that's not what its about. It's like.. back then people didn't judge you. everyone just did what made them happy. Things aren't near as simple these days. Now it's all about who you know and how much money you have. We all take things for granted. Back then people took time to literally stop and smell the roses. They were in touch with nature, and everything around them. Nothing mattered but love. Pure, honest to god, and sometimes drug induced love. That is exactly what the world needs. (Love not drugs!)

Sorry I've been neglecting my blog, these past few weeks have been crazy! This weekend I will be traveling to Ohio for showchoir. Next weekend is Chicago, and the following weekend is Nashville. Then Shortly after is opening night of Sweeney Todd, and the prom. After all that, its smooth sailing until graduation! So, wish me luck over the next few weeks and I'll try to keep my blog updated!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Don't think. Don't Judge. Just listen.

I recently read this book. Just Listen  by Sarah Dessen. This book has so much meaning behind it that I can barely grasp all of it. Here's the summary:
Annabel Greene is the girl who has everything. At least that's who she plays in a commercial for Kopf's Department Store: top student, popular cheerleader, dazzling prom queen surrounded by friends. In real life, though, Annabel is the girl who has nothing: no best friend since her friendship with mean-but-exciting Sophie ended with malicious rumors flying, no peace at home while her older sister's eating disorder preoccupies the family, and no ability to tell anyone what's on her mind.
And then she meets Owen Armstrong- intense, obsessed with music, and determined to always tell the truth, no matter what the consequences.
Can a girl who hates confrontation find a way to connect with a guy who thrives on it? And can Annabel find the courage to tell what really happened the night she and Sophie stopped being friends?
The more I got into the book the more the character Owen made me think. It's still on my mind. The book basically makes me realize that everyone has a story. Things aren't always as they appear. You can make all the assumptions you want, but in the end the only way you'll ever know the truth is if you get involved. Owen explained to Annabel that using words like "something" or "stuff" are place holders. They're used to mask the truth. "R and R" means rephrase and redirect. I think it could easily be applied to real life. Just rephrase a statement that isn't a direct attack toward the person you are talking to.
The most important thing I got from the book is : Don't think. Don't judge. Just listen.  It's self explanatory. People don't take the time to just listen to each other. Maybe it's time to try.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Valentine's Day

Every year around this time couples get extra lovey dovey, and every year, Cupid forgets to visit me. Don't worry, I have yet to turn into one of those women who mope around eating chocolates and watching Lifetime movies all day. The hopeless romantic within me is just dying to get out and do all of those goofy things that love makes you do. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Valentine's Day. The entire day just has this.. vibe to it.
I can't help but to want to spend my day with someone truly special to me. I want to make Monday a day amazing for someone I love very much. I'm both dreading and anticipating what this year will bring. When I was younger I always imagined the most romantic Valentine's day ever. As I mentioned before, I have a very active imagination.
I almost miss the days when February 14th was nothing more than a paper card with a picture of a kitty that reads: "You're puuuuurfect, Valentine!"
Back then it didn't seem to matter much. I remember when I was little my sister and I would rush home from school with our little bags full of valentines from our classmates. We'd go door to door in our neighborhood and give our cards away to everyone, and told them that we loved them. If they weren't home, we'd tape it to their door and watch out the window until they got home. Back then, that was satisfying.
Now, I'm eighteen, and the world just isn't as kind. I'm sure if taped a paper Valentine to my neighbor's door that has "To: Lacey From: blah blah" they'd get highly upset.
I don't really know the point of this blog. I guess I just wanted to talk, but, that's it. Valentine's Day is six days away, and all I've got is a heart shaped box of gross chocolates, and a single pink rose for my daddy coming my way. That's just alright with me. I mean, it is the thought that counts, right?

Friday, February 4, 2011

Life (n) [lahyf]: the general or universal condition of human existence

Since I can remember, I've always loved kids. I've been around babies and toddlers since I was one myself. To me, being around kids is second nature. I for one cannot wait until I can have kids of my own. Anyone who knows me knows that the one thing I want most out of life is to have kids of my own. Don't worry, I won't be having kids anytime soon. In the last year a lot of people who are close to me have had kids. It gets me so excited! It amazes me to watch them develop their own personalities. My nephew is five years old. I like to think that I've played a big roll in helping to raise him. He started Kindergarten this year, and he comes home from school saying words like "humongous" and "ridiculous". He can read my text messages, and his memory is unbelievable. I love every second of watching him and my niece grow up. I lost my faith a long time ago, but watching them grow and learn gives me a little hope.
Now here is my point in all of this. No, I haven't come to come life changing realization, but I have decided what I want to do with my life. I want to be a special education teacher. Special needs people are probably the best people in the world. They are real. Their feelings and words are nothing short of genuine.
In eight grade with the help of a teacher, Kate Everett-Gholston, I got the opportunity to spend an hour a week with the special needs kids at my school. It changed my life. There are a boy in the class, Ryan. Ryan didn't talk. We worked with him all year, and by the end of the year the most we got out of him was a barely audible whisper. Ryan touched my heart the most. I could look in his eyes and I just wanted to cry for him. I can't imagine what it would be like to not have a voice. However, he was always willing to offer a smile, or a hug, or the occasional kiss on the cheek.
Once I got to high school I didn't see the kids anymore. One day in tenth grade I was going to the bathroom and the tables were set up for lunch. I heart someone yell "Cousin!" I looked up and saw the special needs kids eating their lunch. Before I could register what was going on Ryan's arms were wrapped around my waist and he was crying. He said "Lacey, I talk," It was quiet, but he said it, and that's all I needed. It wasn't long before I had two more sets of arms wrapped around me, Jasmine and Ebony. Two girls from the class I helped with in eighth grade. I was so happy, I couldn't stop crying. The teachers were obviously watching the whole time, I guess not sure of what to do. I walked them back to their lunch table and told their teacher that we were old friends. Ryan, Jasmine, and Ebony introduced me to all of their new friends, each one excited to meet me. I kept looking at their teacher, worried she would be angry that I wasn't in class, but instead she just studied me, smiling.
When I got ready to leave she stopped me and asked how I knew them, and I told her the story. She just looked at me and said "thank you." It was the most sincere thank you that I have ever heard. She told me those kids need to be around more people like me. Until recently, I didn't know what she meant by it. It takes a special person to have that kind of effect on those kids.
Now, almost everyday, toward the end of second block I  sneak away from class to go see those kids. Ryan calls me Cousin. Everyone else just calls me friend. I love them all so much. They hold a VERY special place in my heart.
I know it's hard for some people to understand. That day, I just knew I wanted more and more moments just like that one. I love knowing how happy they get to see me; their faces just light up. It's amazing.
So, there you go. THAT is why I chose this career. It is life changing. I cannot wait!


Sunday, January 30, 2011

friend·ship (n) [frend-ship]: the state of being a friend

"I get by with a little help from my friends," -The Beatles.
That quote speaks so true. Recently I've needed my friends more than I ever have before. Not only are they super amazing, but they're also good for a laugh or two when I need it the most. Without them I would be so lost and alone. To sum it all up, they are everything to me, and I owe them so much. So, here it goes.
Ashley Breana Kilgore:
Ashley and I met in sixth grade P.E. I'm still not completely sure how the friendship started, but I do know that now we're unstoppable. She's my rock, my ride-or-die chick, my sister from another mister. What ever I choose to call her it still stands that she is my absolute best friend. I can't even begin to describe what we've been through together. We have so many inside jokes that it's hard for people to keep up with our conversations. I think we kind of prefer it that way. Of course we fight, but we always work through it. I can't wait to see where life takes us.
Michael Aaron Spraggins:
Aaron, or as we like to call him, Spraggy, is the best. I met him when he moved to Opelika from Auburn in eighth grade. He was that awkward kid that kept to him self. The same week me moved to Opelika, his step-dad got killed in a motorcycle accident. Of course, my heart went out to him. Me and some friends we to the viewing just for some support, and as they say "the rest was history," I didn't really start  being friends with him till sometime in December of that year. But since then, I haven't been able to get rid of him. He and I go on tons of adventures together. I think it goes without saying that he is my partner in crime. Even though Spraggy gets on my last nerve sometimes, I wouldn't trade him for anything.
Carson Alizabeth Bailey:
I played basketball with Carson in fourth grade. Well, my team played her team. We met again in sixth grade P.E. , yes, the same class as Ashley. It's hard to explain my friendship with Carson. I am always laughing when I'm with her. I've never been in a fight with her, of even been mad at this girl. Carson and I are so much alike that it is almost scary. Spend a few hours with us, and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Walter Lee Shealey:
I met Walter when he was dating a friend of mine. He is so quiet, but believe me, he has a lot to say. At first he didn't really talk to me, but as he got to know me I couldn't get him to shut up. I wouldn't have it any other way. Walter and I are very good friends. I tell him absolutely everything, and he has never once judged me. I don't get to see him very often but I still talk to him pretty much every day. He's one of the few people who can completely turn my day around just by saying "hello,". I love him to death. He's going to tell me that writing about him is a waste of my time, but he doesn't realized how much he means to me. He means a lot, btw.
Ashleigh Thomas:
Sorry I don't remember her middle name. Anyway, when I first knew of Ashleigh I hated her more then I'd ever hated anyone. She dated a guy whom I used to be really close to, and I'd heard horrible things about her. Eventually We settled things and now she's a really close friend of mine. She's amazing, and she's so strong. I could never deal with half of the things she does. She's pregnant with Justin's baby. Justin is the guy that I used to be close to. Skylar Maria's arrival is much anticipated. I can't wait to hold her and love her, and do everything I can to help Ashleigh raise her. She and I haven't been friends for very long, but I know that one day we will be very close.
Tiffany Rochelle Weaver:
Tiffany was one of the first people I met in middle school. She was so weird, and I was amazed by her. Now, she is still weird, but I love her a lot more now. I don't get to see her much, but when I do get to see her, we're always loud. She's pregnant with my future god child.  Tiffany and I always had dreams of our future. Now that it's finally happening, I hate to see that I don't see her in it as much as we'd planned. I still love Tiffany with all of my heart, despite how much we fight.
So you see, I have a different history with each of my friends. They are all so special to me. I love each and every one of you guys, and thank you so much for being there for me when I need ya'll the most. You're so amazing.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Respect (V) [ri-spekt]: to show regard or consideration for

Our parents always raised us to respect our elders. I am very good with being respectful to adults. There comes a point where that adult takes things too far, and I have a hard time being respectful. After all, why give respect when it isn't received?
I believe in respect, chivalry, and southern hospitality. I say yes Ma'am/Sir and no Ma'am/ Sir, and I'm always sure to say please and thank you.
Sometimes I feel like adults think just because we're 'kids' they don't owe us the same respect that we owe them. Sure, they're older and wiser, but we're learning. They are not setting a good example for our younger generations. I say this at the risk of sounding like a child, this isn't fair! Why should I kiss your butt just to be treated like dirt? Every now and then a thank you is in order.
Sorry this blog is so..short and full of complaints. I just really needed to get that off of my mind.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Love (n) [luhv] : the object, thing, or person so liked

"To love another person is to see the face of God." - Les Miserables
The truth is, I know absolutely nothing about love. I don't think anyone does. All I know is, people would give anything for it, myself included. Without love, we are nothing. Love can be anything;  Love for your family, or your pet, even a hobby, or a place. I love a lot of things, and those things I love truly make me happy. I love my dog, Gizzy, I love my family and friends. I love to read and write. I love so very much to be on stage performing, or just being in the theatre in general. I could be in there all alone, and I'd be totally content. I love the sunshine. When it is cloudy outside I just feel sad. Most of all, I love helping other people. I love knowing that I can change someone's life, even if it is a very small change. There are so many things I love. Everyone deserves to find that one special thing and person. I cannot say whether I have really even been in love. People say you just know. It is hard to imagine loving someone so much. Giving them every ounce of love you can muster, and trusting them not to throw that love away. That has happened to everyone at some point in their life, right? Heart break is inevitable when you're a teenage girl.
I hope that when I fall in love, it is as magical as people say. You know, the weak knees, butterflies, the uncontrollable smiles. I want it all. More than anything I want to be that girl. The one who makes his day just by being around.
I actually think about this kind of stuff a lot. I know I'm young, but life moves so fast. I just want to be prepared for it. I always wonder who I'm going to end up with. What if it is someone I know now? What if it is the very last person I would have thought I'd ever fall in love with? I love how unpredictable life can be. I think I'm in love with the thought of falling in love. It is all so exciting, but I have plenty of time to fall in love. Like my mom likes to say, "We'll cross that bridge when it gets here,"

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

anticipation:(n) [an-tis-uh-pey-shuhn] expectation or hope.

I'm currently in the last fourth months of my high school career. Anticipation is building up so quickly that at times I literally feel like I'm going to pop. Showchoir season is about to be in motion. The first competition is this Saturday in Montgomery. Then there is a ton of traveling I'll  be doing in march. Not to mention, a certain special someone's birthday is in March. *ahem* Walter. Then before I know it, it'll be time for Sweeney Todd. I'm so beyond pumped for this. Sweeney is one of my favorite musicals. I know it is gonna be crazy-stressful, but I can handle it. The two things that I'm absolutely most excited for is prom and of course, GRADUATION!
I'm going to prom with one of the most amazing guys I've ever met. I can't fully describe my relationship with Walter. It's one of those things were 'so close, yet so far away'. Not just that he live all the way in Beulah, but that we're really different people. He's so.. quiet, and I'm so... me. He's honestly one of the closest guy friends I've ever had in my entire life and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm so beyond thankful for having him be in my life. Since I know you're going to read this, I love you Walt. You're the best... and you are NOT a waste of time. Even if you were, I couldn't think of anyone better to 'waste my time' on.
Graduation can't get here soon enough.The day I walk across that stage, everything will change before I  have time to realize what is going on. I'm not sure where life will take me. But I am determined to make something of myself. I want to make my family proud. I want to be the one person that actually chased their dreams, and the one who didn't settle for mediocre. I can't wait to hold not only a high school diploma, but a college diploma too. I'm going places. You just wait and see.

family: (n) [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] a group of related things or people

My family is a sensitive subject for me. I don't talk about them much at all, but for the sake of the blog, I will. I have my parents, two sisters, and a niece and nephew. The only extended family that I am even remotely close to is my cousin, Jason. You have to understand how hard it is for me to write about some things, so excuse me if I'm a little vague.
I guess I'll start with my parents. They're been together for twenty-five years. The past few years have been anything but happy. Between fighting with each other and fighting with my sisters and me, no one has enough time to be happy. I haven't seen happy in this house for a long while, and I don't expect for it to show up anytime soon. I cannot fully explain the unhappiness that lies within their relationship, it is just that bad. My mom recently tried to commit suicide to try to escape it. January 1, 2011 to be exact. I cannot express the fear in my heart for her life at this point. It's taken me until now to accept that she even tried to do it. That's all I can say about that. I still don't like to talk about that much.
Moving on to my sisters. Jeska and Jazmin. Jeska is pretty much the one person in this house(besides my dog) that I can go to and tell her anything. She doesn't judge me, or question me. She fully has my back, and I can't thank her enough for that. I love hanging out with her.  I don't remember much about Jeska from when I was really little. I do know that she's always been my favorite sister though.
Jazmin is my middle sister. Up until i was seven or eight, Jazmin was my only friend. Were she was, I was. I always looked up to her, and I wanted to be just like her. On her eighteenth birthday, she moved out. She hasn't been the same since. Now she drinks, and lies, and smokes weed. That is not who I want her to be. I want my old sister back so bad. There are rare occasions were she goes back to her old self. She has that childish look in her eye and her smile says it all. That's my sister. Nowadays I feel so much animosity between us. I'm scared  that she and I will end up resenting each other for the rest of our lives.
My cousin Jay is amazing. When we were kids, me and Jazmin would go spend weekends in Reeltown at my aunt's house so we could play with him. Jay is a good bit older than me, but he still knows how to have fun. He used to take us fishing, and we would take baths together in our bathing suits in a blow up pool in the back yard. That was probably the best time of my life. I remember he'd always have cotton candy bubble gum in the refrigerator. After my aunt went to bed we'd sneak into the kitchen and he was give me and Jazmin a piece. I loved tagging along with him everywhere. He is like the big brother I've never had. For the past few years,Jason has been in and out of jails and prisons. I write to him once a week. Despite everything he's done to get where he is now, I still look up to him. He has taught me so much about life.
You see, my family is far from normal. My family is broken and weak. I'm having a hard time actually posting this. This is not something I just go blabbing about. I feel like I need to talk about it to get past it though. Like I said from the beginning, I'm doing this blog to help people understand me. The best way to learn about someone is to start from their roots. I don't want pity about my family. Everyone's family is a little messed up. Mine just happens to be ahead of the game.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

day·dream: (n) a reverie indulged in while awake.

Some times I sit in class and I daydream for the entire 96 minutes. I play out scenarios in my head; Constantly wondering what would happen if.. I guess it isn't healthy to let my mind run wild the way I do, but my imaginary life is just so much more appealing. In my imaginary life, I'm good at everything. Good grades, an amazing friend, beautiful, and I have a ton of talent. I can sing, and dance, and I just enjoy life. Not that I don't now.  My imaginary life keeps the hope alive in me. I know I cannot and will not be perfect by any means, but I wanna know what it is like to be fully satisfied with myself. I know what you're thinking "You're the only one who can make that happen, Lacey,"
Well, I know that. I'm slowly making it happen. Rome wasn't built in a day, you know. Today, in fourth block, we were reading Beowulf. Even though I should have been listening, I was day dreaming. I was dreaming about prom. See, I realized my problem is that I build things up so much in my head, that real life just isn't as near as satisfying. In my head prom is absolutely perfect. I have the perfect dress, make-up, hair, and of course the perfect date. We go to dinner at a fancy restaurant, where my date insists on paying for my meal, then all of my friends and I pile up in a limo, and we ride to prom together. I'm the envy of every girl's eye. At the end of the night my perfect date kisses me, and from there a beautiful relationship blooms.
...And the POOF. back to being Cinderella. My prince is gone, my pumpkin is back, and what I thought was an extravagant dress is really just a cheap dress from a boutique that I could barely afford.
 My mind can play horrible tricks on me sometimes. Don't let it fool you too.

Misfit: (v) to fit badly.

I don't always fit in. Some days, like today, I feel like i stand out. In high school, it is nearly impossible to be yourself and be accepted. Sometimes I wish i could afford to buy new shoes every other day, and have an outfit to fit my mood. But, nope. There is a play we did once at my school. In that play there was a quote that sticks in my head like a sore thumb. "What God gives us to deal with, we deal with,"
I know it is like totally unholy to question God's plans, but sometimes I really can't help it. Why is it wrong to be curious? Sure, curiosity killed the cat, but no knowing will kill you faster. That's how I feel anyway.
 I honestly feel like this 'blog thing' will be good for me. Not to be used as a journal, but as.. we'll call it "The Dictionary of My Life" ... that sounds good.
 Now, back to my original topic, misfits. While I was getting ready for school I was thinking. I don't have a clique. I don't belong anywhere. I'm a misfit. When I really think about it i don't fit into any one category. I'm the most nonathletic person you'll ever meet, I'm not beautiful and rich, and lets be honest, I'm really not all that talented. So it leaves me to wonder where do I fit in? I guess in a sense it doesn't really matter anymore. I've made it this far, why start bothering with it now? In a few months I'll be off to college and I'll basically be a whole new person. I'm not sure where I belong in this world, however, one thing I know is certain, I don't belong in little Opelika, AL.

Monday, January 24, 2011

blog (blɒɡ) (n) a journal written on-line and accessible to users of the internet

My name is Lacey. I live in a small town in Alabama called Opelika. I'm your typical overly-dramatic, boy obsessed, parent-hating eighteen year old girl. There is nothing amazingly spectacular about my life, and I kinda prefer it that way. Now, I know you're wondering, "Why in the hell do I wanna read this?"
To tell you the truth, I don't know either. You see, I'm usually the kind of girl who keeps things to herself. I'm a Scorpio, we're known for being secretive. I'm the kind of girl who is more than willing to give out advice and help my peers, but I can't help myself. I joke my way through my problems which, of course, causes more problems. Now, I'm not going to sit here and write about how much my life sucks, that isn't my intentions. I started this blog to help people understand what goes on in my mind; to understand.. well, me. Have you ever known someone or seen someone and just wished that you could know them? It's like, something about that person intrigues you. If I'm that person for you, you're in the right spot. I've found that by reading my friends' blogs, I've learn a lot about them, like I'm seeing a totally different side of them. I want you guys to see this side of me. I'm not some intense journalist. I've tried the whole 'blog thing' before, and I just didn't have it in me, but now I have a lot to say, and I want to make sure I'm heard. That all people really want,right? To be heard, to be known? I can't promise I'll post everyday, or every week, but I'll for sure keep you informed.