"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

Monday, May 30, 2011

Hello, world.

Well, I finally did it. Graduated. The day I thought would never come has come and gone and, well I don't feel very different. I didn't cry for joy, or cry for the loss of life long friendships.. I didn't cry at all. I wasn't even sad. I was just ready to get home and get out of that damn dress.  Part of me is relieved that the hellacious days at the prison are no more, but part of me still doesn't believe it. I've grown so accustomed to the mold, and must of OHS that I'm not sure how I'll react to a new, clean school. I'm just excited to start the rest of my life.
 Now, being the wonderful girl with ADD that I am, I wanna talk about something else that been on my mind. To me, individuality is everything. "we were all born originals, Don't die a copy"
I just feel that sometimes I'm not just me. I fight to be my own person everyday, to stand out from the crowd and be different. Sometimes I feel like.. like I'm being copied; if that makes sense. Its one thing if you are inspired by someone, but a totally different thing if you repeat everything they do. It just makes you lose who you are! Everyone spends so much time trying to fit in, or be like someone that they eventually become just like everyone else. Copies. Being an individual is beautiful. I love seeing people who don't conform to society. They don't care. They do what they want because it makes them happy. They don't wear the latest fashions just because everyone else is, instead, they make their own style and stick with it.
I just.. I just wanna be me, and not them.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

"Everything has its beauty, but not everyone sees it"

Who defines what is beautiful? To me, a lot of different things are beautiful to me.
The beach at night time, or the country lands at dawn. The beginning of a new life, and that look of excitement in one's eye. Beauty is not something you have. It's something you are. Inside and out. Having a beautiful soul is.. amazing. No one ever stops to see beyond the cover of the book. It may not be pretty and attractive on the outside, but inside is a fantastic story just waiting to be to be told.
Being real is beautiful. Not that bleach blonde with the rub on tan and colored contacts. People who love themselves for who they are, are the most beautiful.
For so long I've been uncomfortable with the person that I am. I've always seen myself as 'that girl with the pretty face'. Like, people can't see past my exterior to see who I really am. The real me. This is a poem I read in 8th grade:
 Imperfect Me:
I used to try to be perfect
perfect hair
perfect date
the perfect makeup on my face
the perfect friend for all to see
I tried to be a perfect me.
I'm tall, and just a little plump
My nose has got a tiny bump
My teeth?- too big!
My ears?- too long!
the me I see is always wrong!
but then, my heart broke free.
Who I am is what I give
And if I give with all my might
the me I am will be just right.
So, here I am, Imperfect Me.

For that poem to be a silly little kid's poem, it's always meant a lot to me. I'm learning to accept myself. I know who I am, who I'm not, and who I want to be. I am smart, I have goals, and I AM BEAUTIFUL. If someone can't see the beautiful me, then they don't deserve to have me in their lives, right?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Patience was never my thing..

As my last year as a high school student is coming to a close, I've been reflecting on these past 12 years. What a great 12 years it has been! I've grown, and learned and blossomed into to girl.. no, the woman I am today. It feels so incredible. This is the time of my life that I thought would never get here, and here it is, right around the corner. I just can't describe this feeling. I'm so excited and terrified at the same time. I'm leaving the only thing I have ever known. No more teachers asking for hall passes, no more parents writing me a check for lunch. No more of that OHS bulldog pride buzzing through the halls. I feel so free, yet so heartbroken. It's this amazingly awful feeling.  I just can't wait to see what becomes of me.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Que Sera, sera.

I seem to live for that saying these days. "What ever will be, will be." I tell myself that everyday. Some days are just so wonderful, other days.. well, not so much. I guess that's to me expected, right?
I'm the kind of person who is used to being in control, and having a goal and working hard to get it. Instant gratification. For the first time, things are way out of my hands, and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. It's hard to just.. wait around not knowing what he feels, or what he's even thinking.  I honestly feel vulnerable for the first time in a really long time. I don't like it one bit. So much is going on in my life. This is the most important time of my life and I feel like I have absolutely no control over how it plays out. My anxiety has been going crazy, and I can just feel my heart getting tired from all of the weight that I've been putting on it lately.
This boy. There are so many things that I adore about him. The little things are what I love the most. Like how he knows me. He's recently started to be.. eh, I don't want to say protective.. He's been more concerned about my well-being then usual; Or he's voicing it more than usual. It just feels good knowing that he's cares. The one thing I absolutely without a doubt love about him is how I can look into his eyes, and see clear to his heart. "The eyes are the window to your soul" It speaks so true. I just... I can't find the words to describe what it is about him that makes me so.. happy, and I don't plan on searching for that reason because.. well cause we all need a little mystery in our lives.