"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring."

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

It's a love story.

Or, some screwed up version or some at least. You know? Girl meets boy, girl falls in love with boy, boy just.. is  boy? Yeah, that kind. And you know something? I'm perfectly okay with moving slow, and letting things fall naturally. Que sera, sera, right? Last night was pretty hard. I had my mind so focused on him that I couldn't relax long enough to get sleepy. I closed my eyes, I saw him. I turned the tv off, I heard his voice in my head. I listened to music, and it was a stupid sappy love song that made me think about him. You see, I'm not this kinda girl. I don't get all googly eyed and junk when it come to boys. But, I don't know. With him I dont have to be perfect. Shoot, me and perfect dont even belong in the same book. ( oh and in case you didnt notice, im being lazy about punctuation and junk today. Sorry!) I dont want to jinx anything, so we'll see what happens.
Needless to say, its been a long day. But, I had to write a little bit. I always feel better after i write. even if it is about something pointless. oh, well.

Monday, April 25, 2011

i got lost in your brown eyes.

I've sat here staring at a blank screen for at least fifteen minutes now. So, I turned on the musical station on Pandora hoping it will help me think a little. So far, I've still got nothing.
I want so badly to to write something that is inspiring, or moving, or even something intellectual, but my brain refuses to come out of hibernation. I have spent most of the day cleaning or curled up in bed. The past few days I've just wanted to be alone. There are only a select few people that I really really wanna see, most of which I will see tomorrow at school. Others, well who knows?
I was listening to some old songs today. one song in particular made me think about one person. the lyrics are:

I'm so scared that
The way that I feel
Is written all over my face
When you walk into the room
I wanna find a hiding place
We used to laugh
We used to hug
The way that old friends do
But now a smile and
A touch of your hand
Just make me come unglued
It's such a contradiction
Do I lie or tell the truth?
Is it fact or fiction
The way I feel for you?
It's so complicated
I'm so frustrated
I wanna hold you close
I wanna push you away
I wanna make you go
I wanna make you stay
Should I say it
Should I tell you
How I feel?
Oh, I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated.

Just when I think
I'm under control
I think I finally got a grip
Another friend tells me that
My name is always
On your lips
They say I'm more
Than just a friend
They say I must be blind
Well I admit that
I've seen you watch me
From the corner of your eye
Oh it's so confusing
I wish you'd just confess
But think of what I'd be losing
If your answer wasn't yes

Repeat chorus

I hate it 'cause
I've waited so long
For someone like you
Should I say it
Should I tell you
How I feel?
Oh I want you to know
But then again I don't
It's so complicated
The last blog I posted.. in some ways I regret posting it, because I'm scared.. terrified, actually. However, in my first blog I promised to be completely honest. So, I won't delete it. I'm going to just take what ever happens. I don't know if mentioned persons have read the blog, but if and when they do, I'll deal with whatever happens. I'm a strong person. I'll take what I can get from him, because I do love him so very much. I'd rather have his friendship than to completely lose him. I'm not strong enough for that. But, I guess we'll see where this goes.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

The worst thing a girl could ever do.

.. Is fall in love with her best friend. Especially when she knows she doesn't have even the slightest chance with him. It's wrong, and unrealistic. I've tried for months now to smother it to the very back of my mind. The last thing I want to do is ruin the amazing friendship that we have. I just hurts.. so bad.
Let me give you this back story before I tell you the main story. I have a best friend. She and I are totally in sync with each other. It's like we're on the same wave length and sometimes its even scary. She is beautiful, and smart, and caring and artsy. Everything a guy would want. A guy would be insane not to like her. There lies the problem. Because she is so beautiful and I'm so.. me, I feel like at times I am in constant competition for attention of our guy friends. We have never had a mutual guy friend that hasn't had a crush on her. Therefore, if I happen to like a guy who also knows her it usually ends up like this:
Me: Hey, wanna hang out sometime?
Guy: Sure, is your friend going to be there too?
Me: Sure, I guess she can be..
Guy: Great! Cause she's really pretty. Does she have a boyfriend?
BAM. There goes all hope.  I get all upset and just.. jealous. She's pretty much beating buys off with a stick, and I'm the friend they come to when they need someone to put in a good word and that's it. It just gets hard to handle at times. I just wonder why I'm not good enough. Like, obviously I'm just not pretty enough being as though she and I are literally just alike, so I know it isn't my personality.
Anyway, So I have this friend. He's one of my closet guy friends. A few months back he told me he liked her. At first I was totally happy, you know? He needs a nice girl, and it was all fine and dandy. The more he talked about her, the more I regretted ever introducing them. I was just jealous. The feelings for him just keep growing
Now, back to the point.
So, Last night was prom night. my best guy friend was my date, and my best girl friend (the one from the back story) was in our group with her date, another good friend. So, we get to prom and it was LAME. My date is a shy guy so we didn't dance much, and I didn't too much mind it. I did, however, mind him giving my friend more attention than me. We sat in some chairs outside the ball room and I just watched them shamelessly flirting. I was full of jealously and just ..pure rage. I mean, here I am at my senior prom feeling like.. a third wheel to my date and my best friend. I literally got up and walked out. Partly to see if he could follow me, and partly because I didn't want to watch them anymore. As I was walking out on the grass I tried to piece together what I was feeling. I was hurt, and I felt dumb for even thinking this time would be different. I felt embarrassed because I let my feelings for him just build up, and I was letting my feelings get the best of me. I was angry, and sad, and.. and  jealous. They both followed me out. She asked if I was okay, and of course I lied and said yes. I really wanted to just yell "No! I'm not okay! I'm in love with him and he likes you.. like always."  He's my best friend.. and I'm in love with him. When I took him home last night I hugged him tight, and it literally hurt to let him go. It took everything in me not to look him in the eye. He said goodnight and I told him I loved him and he said it back. Only difference is, I really do love him. It hurts like hell. I won't tell him. I refuse to do anything that might cause me to lose him, I won't. So, that's it, if you're still reading this, thank you. I had to get it out because It's all I can think about. I'm in love with my best friend. So, I'm gonna take a deep breath, and pack all these feelings back where they belong. Where no one can see them.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Goodbye doesn't always mean forever.

Lady or the Tiger.
Les Miserables S.E.
The Man Who Came to Dinner
Blithe Spirit
25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street S.E.

Am I forgetting any? It's quite possible. The past 4 years I have been surrounded by the most amazing people you could possibly imagine. I cannot even find the words to express my gratitude for these people. Saying goodbye to this, to them is probably one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I have never in my life worked so hard on anything. The Opelika High Theatre Society is my family. The Opelika Performing Arts Center is my home. I'm so sad that I have to just walk away from something that I've dedicated my entire being to for four years. It's  heart breaking. Those people and that theatre have been my escape from everything bad for so long that it literally hurts to be losing it. I do not know who or where I would be if it wasn't for them.
Revel Gholston is one of the most amazing men I will ever know. I could thank him a million times and I still would not be thanking him enough. He's not only my teacher, but he has become one of my close friends. He isn't always easy to deal with, but I deal with him anyway, just like he puts up with me. He's the only person who can convince me to stay at that school until 4 in the morning working. I love every minute of it.This all started in 8th grade when Kathryn Spain convinced me to sign up for theatre. I fell in love immediately. 10th grade Revel somehow sucked me into helping him Tech for Lady or the Tiger, and well,  the rest was history. I haven't left Revel's side since then. I'm always there when he needs me. Hell, I'm there when he doesn't need me. But now, He's going to have to train someone else to memorize his favorite drink and what he wants from BK. He'll have to teach someone else how to deal with some of the crazy people from Opelika Arts Association. As hard as it is, He'll have to say goodbye, and I'll have to say it back. I'm not ready for that moment yet. 
Baxter Burke is my partner. My right-hand man. Without him, I'd be lost. He and I are a team and I love him very much. I never thought that he and I would ever be so close, but here we are. Both crying because leaving each other is like.. drinking kool-aid without sugar. It's just wrong. I love you Bax.
Tracy Tidwell.. well, as much as he annoys me, I'll miss him too. He always has me laughing with his stupid jokes and his fart noises.
For EVERYONE that has been involved in OHTS, past and present, you are amazing. All of you are very dear to my heart. To whoever gets to take my place.. well.. good luck.