Baby Fever

I've always been one to pride myself on being completely open and honest. Sometimes I can't be, but right here... right now, I'm going to let it all out. Two of my closest friends are mothers. They are both my age. No more than a month older than myself. Since the two of them have had their babies our friendship as withered away to nothing more than a random text every few weeks. Partly because they have more important things to think about, and partly because I just can't relate to them anymore.

For a while now I've had this "baby fever". I want a baby. I'm young, and I know being a mom is far from a walk on the beach. I practically raised my nephew till this point. I'm 19 going on 30. I'm way too mature for my age. I'm so ready to have my own baby, live my own life. Most kids dream of becoming a doctor, or a vet, or an astronaut. Me? I always wanted to be a mommy. To create a new life with someone whom I love SO much has been my dream since I was a little girl. I'm ready to live that dream.

Anyone who knows me knows that  my biggest fear is having a doctor tell me that I am not able to have children. I have plenty reason to believe that my biggest fear may be a reality. I know I need to pick up the phone an make an appointment, but I am so terrified of hearing what they have to say. If i hear that I can't have kids.. I honestly don't know how I will react. I know it will crush me. I can't even bare to think of what my life will be like without living my dream. Soon... Soon I'm going to get up the courage to make that phone call. Whatever happens, happens. "Que sera, sera" right? Michael and I will deal with whatever outcome. I just hope its what I want to hear...


-L