Well.. I got my wish..

I'm pregnant. I've told michael (obviously) and my sisters and my best friends. But not my parents yet. It feels so surreal. Like its not really happening. I'm terrified of telling my parents. That's my biggest concern right now.

Baby Fever

I've always been one to pride myself on being completely open and honest. Sometimes I can't be, but right here... right now, I'm going to let it all out. Two of my closest friends are mothers. They are both my age. No more than a month older than myself. Since the two of them have had their babies our friendship as withered away to nothing more than a random text every few weeks. Partly because they have more important things to think about, and partly because I just can't relate to them anymore.

For a while now I've had this "baby fever". I want a baby. I'm young, and I know being a mom is far from a walk on the beach. I practically raised my nephew till this point. I'm 19 going on 30. I'm way too mature for my age. I'm so ready to have my own baby, live my own life. Most kids dream of becoming a doctor, or a vet, or an astronaut. Me? I always wanted to be a mommy. To create a new life with someone whom I love SO much has been my dream since I was a little girl. I'm ready to live that dream.

Anyone who knows me knows that  my biggest fear is having a doctor tell me that I am not able to have children. I have plenty reason to believe that my biggest fear may be a reality. I know I need to pick up the phone an make an appointment, but I am so terrified of hearing what they have to say. If i hear that I can't have kids.. I honestly don't know how I will react. I know it will crush me. I can't even bare to think of what my life will be like without living my dream. Soon... Soon I'm going to get up the courage to make that phone call. Whatever happens, happens. "Que sera, sera" right? Michael and I will deal with whatever outcome. I just hope its what I want to hear...


-L

Just a little catching up

It's been close to a year since I blogged. I just haven't felt like it. My life as I know it now is completely different than it was a year ago when i graduated high school. I can tell that I have grown up a lot just by looking back on past blogs. So, here's a quick update to let you guys know how things have been going since high school!
I have completed two semesters of college at Southern Union, and let me tell you it was not easy. first semester was a breeze. When I got to the second semester I guess I did not take it as seriously as I should have. I barely passed some classes and I did not pass a few, which I will be retaking online this fall.
I have fallen in love with the most amazing human on this earth. I remember reading an old blog about Valentine's day and questioning who I would end up with, and wondering if it was someone that I already knew. Turns out, "the one" was right in front of me the whole time, and I never knew it. I was so blind to it because I was too worried about chasing after someone whom I was simply infatuated with. Michael and I have known each other since I was a freshman, and we have always been pretty close friends. Our relationship developed very slowly, and I am actually very thankful for that. It gave me time to know him,  and trust him. Not jumping into a relationship in the beginning has made all the difference. We've been together a little over a year now, and I truly do love this man.
I get a little depressed more often than I used to. I think its just because I have more time on my hands now. It's summer time. I'm either at work or sitting at home doing nothing. I wish i was responsible enough to be one of those people who have saved up enough for a car and an apartment, but I'm not. I am about to start a new job that pays A LOT more than Zaxby's, not that I don't love my job now, but i need the money. I have bills on top of bill now. Being a grown up is really hard. Like, REALLY hard. It sucks, but its... nice. I know that doesn't make sense, but eventually you'll understand what I mean if you don't already.
Ahh, well.. it's been real. Until next time, my friend.

-L

New beginnings

You know, I'm really enjoying life right now. I have some amazing people in my life and things are just good. Little Dawson will be here any day now. I'm amazed by how much I love him already. It's funny how such a little person can hold one of he biggest places in your heart.
Spraggy leaves for UAB in two weeks. I can't believe the summer has been so short! I'm not ready for him to go by any means. All I can think about is how time is ticking and soon enough we'll be going to Birmingham and coming back without him. Nothing will be the same. No more late night ice cream runs, no more pore cleaning sessions. Skype will inevitably become my life line. It's so depressing.I wanna cry just thinking about it. Life goes on.
So this blog is about "New Beginnings." New lives, new adventures.
I can't talk about everything I mean by 'New beginnings' just yet. I tend to jinx things. I'm happy. that's what's important right?


-L

Life as we know it

I know everyone is just dying to know how my  life is going, right? Well, I actually think it's moving along rather nicely. I've come to terms with being tossed into the friend zone. I'm more okay with it than I thought that I would be. I now have an incredible best friend whom I wouldn't for the world. I've finally stopped having panic attacks about college and, you know, I'm happy. Well, as happy as an 18 year old girl can be.I never thought I'd get back to this point. The point where I'm content and just comfortable with the way life is flowing. I'll admit my life is an emotional roller coaster, but hey, it's to be expected when someone grows up in a house like mine.
Oh! I cannot forget to mention how close Tiffany is to having Dawson. She is now 39 weeks, and oh so ready for him to come on out. We all are. I'm just so excited to hold him and love him. I'm sure that he is going to be perfect!
Speaking of babies, Mom and I have decided its well past time to try to breed Gizzy. I'm so excited for this also. I've been wanting Gizzy to have puppies for a few years. I'm hoping for a small litter and black and white puppies. If and when they are ready we will give them away to good homes. Oh, boy! This is going to be such an exciting journey. When Gracie had her kittens I loved naming them, loving them, and protecting them. It was an amazing experience.
Ah, it feels good to get back into blogging. I kind of want to look into figuring out tumblr. We'll see how it goes!

-L

Just a little rambling.

When I was a little girl, my sister and I would play outside and make mud pies, play silly games, and just be careless together. Back then, it was okay. Now that we're "all grown up" that's no longer the case. As bad as I want to be grown up and do things on my own, I can't deny there is a part of me that wishes that I had never grown up. I mean think about it. Who wants to get up everyday and go to work to pay bills?! NO ONE. Entering the adult life is a journey that isn't for the faint of hearts. Lets be real here, I'd much rather play in the dirt than go to college. Learning to ride a bike is a piece of cake compared to learning how to finance. Those are the facts. There are many moments that I would kill to go back and relive, or just do over completely, avoid even. But, I'm excited- for lack of a better word-  for the life ahead of me. I'm excited to show this world what I'm made of. Even if it means having to grow up well before I am ready. That's okay.

-L

I've officially hit rock bottom.

I don't know what it is that makes me this way. Maybe its just.. in my blood. At this moment it my life, I'm just.. depressed. My friends are all leaving for college or for the marines or something else bigger than this stupid ass little town. While they're out making something of themselves.. I'll be here, withering away to nothing. Because, let's just face it, that's what I am. Nothing. Something has triggered in my head. It makes me sick. I'm isolating myself and making everything worse, but I just can't help it. Why should my friends suffer on my behalf? It's not their fault that I'm crazy.  It's not my place to hold them back from being who they want and doing what they want. Just because I'm going to be stuck here doesn't mean that they have to be stuck with me. I've drug them down for too long and it's time to let go. I don't.. I don't want this anymore. I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of pretending that everything is just fine when its not fine. I will not play happy anymore. I don't have to energy, nor the time to put into it. I'm gonna end up just like my mom.. just sitting here waiting for the clock to run out, because that's who I'm meant to be.
It's gotten to where I can't even convince people I'm happy, and okay with things when I REALLY AM  HAPPY. So, what's the use in trying? Maybe.. maybe I'll feel this way for a while. Maybe I'll feel totally normal, and wonder why I even posted this, but right now, at this moment.. I don't give a damn.